


I Don't Kill People

by Batfink



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Underworld (Movies)
Genre: (sort of), Boys Kissing, Captive, Companionable Snark, Crack Treated Seriously, Crossover Pairings, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Crowley is Bad at Being a Demon (Good Omens), Kidnapping, Lucian is having a bad day, M/M, Mistaken Identity, Not Canon Compliant, Rare Pairings, Short, Starbucks, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2020-10-10 14:43:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20529737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Batfink/pseuds/Batfink
Summary: Great.  Get these cuffs off and let me go.”Lucian snorted.  “Now why would I want to do that?”“How about because I'm not a vampire?”  The captive suggested.“The fangs would strongly suggest otherwise.”  Lucian countered.





	I Don't Kill People

**Author's Note:**

> Lets all just pretend that blessed items work on the vampires in Underworld, okay. How else could they capture Crowley by accident.

Lucian stomped down the dimly lit corridor. He was in no mood for prisoners, but Raze had insisted there was something strange about this vampire the patrol had picked up.

He pulled open the door to the cell and glared in. Tall, skinny, pale, dressed fancy. So far, so vampire. The captive raised his head when the door clanged and Lucian was pinned by two golden eyes. Yeah, okay, that's not standard vampire issue. The wrists, encased in blessed steel cuffs were red and inflamed so at least he wasn't going anywhere before Lucian figured out what was going on.

“Finally.” The captive snarled showing a thin sliver of fang. “You the one in charge of this shit show?” Lucian bristled but nodded anyway. “Great. Get these cuffs off and let me go.”

Lucian snorted. “Now why would I want to do that?”

“How about because I'm not a vampire?” The captive suggested.

“The fangs would strongly suggest otherwise.” Lucian countered. “Not to mention that being shot with a blessed bullet brought you down, but didn't kill you.” He tilted his head. “Not seeing much of a wound from it either.”

The captive rolled his eyes. “There are more things on earth than can be dreamt of in man's imagining.” He misquoted slightly.

Lucian raised his chin slightly and pursed his lips for a second considering. He stepped closer to the captive. Eyed the angry burn marks on his wrists, the blood staining his half buttoned shirt. The pale chest that showed an almost healed wound where a lycan had put a bullet. “If it walks like a vampire and burns like a vampire...”

“It's a demon.” His captive interrupted.

Lucian twitched back in surprise. “A what?” He glanced up into the golden eyes.

A forked tongue slipped out, scenting the air before the captive wrinkled his nose in disgust. “I'm a demon. You furry nit-wit. I burn because this is holy steel.” He rattled the cuffs even though it had to pain him more to do it. “I have fangs because I'm part snake.” He let the gold bleed out across the whites of his eyes and let his more serpentine features show.

Lucian stepped back a worried look on his face. “Uh, okay. Heh.” He reached for his gun at his hip, fingers closing around its reassuring weight, but he didn't draw it. Instead he turned and began to pace the opposite side of the cell muttering 'shit, shit, shit' under his breath.

“So, going to let me go now?” The demon enquired.

Lucian paused his pacing and looked at the demon before shaking his head. “Shit.” He went back to pacing.

“Why not?” The demon demanded.

Lucian paused again. “How about because I don't want you to kill me?”

“What makes you think I'd kill you?” The demon asked.

“Because I'm the...” He smiled slightly. “Furry nit-wit in charge of this shit show.”

The demon laughed. “Look, I'm really not the killing type.”

Lucian snorted. “Right, right and I'm the Andrex Puppy.”

The demon laughed again. “So what? You just plan to keep me around forever?”

Lucian frowned and looked slightly dismayed. He huffed in annoyance and turned on his heel. “I'll think of something.” He left the cell, clanging the door shut as he went.

A moment later, a second figure appeared in the demon's cell. “There you are, Crowley.”

“Hey, Angel!” The demon, Crowley grinned. A snap and his cuffs fell free.

“Come on, let's get you out of here.” The angel huffed.

“Umm, actually. I want to stay.” Crowley informed him.

“You what?” The angel turned to look at him.

“I kinda want to see what he's going to do.” Crowley grinned.

Aziraphale looked at Crowley's wrists which he was rubbing at. “Hasn't he done enough?”

Crowley continued to grin. “Change the cuffs to normal ones. He'll never notice the difference. These will take a while to heal and I'm pretty sure he'll let me go before then.”

Aziraphale shook his head but snapped Crowley back into non-blessed cuffs. “I take it he's handsome?”

Crowley laughed. “Kinda looks like you actually.”

“Crowley!” Aziraphale bristled and looked at him outraged. “Yep.” Crowley nodded and pointed at the angel. “That's it. That's the exact face he made too.”

Aziraphale glared at him and with a snap was gone.

\--- 

Lucian returned an hour later. “Do you eat?” He asked from outside the cell door.

“No.” Crowley shook his head. “But I'll take a coffee if you've got.”

Lucian nodded and disappeared. He returned a few moments later with a mug of black coffee. He held it out to the demon. “It's swill, but it's hot.”

Crowley chuckled and took the mug. There was enough length to his chains that he could get it to his lips. He took a sip and promptly gagged. “I've changed my mind. I am going to kill you.”

Lucian laughed. “You're not helping your case.”

The demon took another sip and pulled a face. “Neither are you.” He set the mug down on the floor.

Lucian thought for a moment. “Fine. Let's get you out of here at least then.” He reached in his pocket for a set of keys and unfastened the chain from the wall. He then led the demon from the cell.

“Can we maybe stop by a Starbuck's on the way to where ever?” The demon asked.

“Nah, you can just call room service when we get there.” Lucian grinned. “Hey, what's your name anyway?”

“Crowley.” The demon replied.

“Lucian.” The lycan provided.

“I'd say nice to meet you...” Crowley began.

“But we'd both know you were lying.” Lucian finished.

Lucian led Crowley through a rabbit warren of corridors until he came to a steel door. He rattled his keys again until he found the right one and then ushered Crowley inside what turned out to be a bedroom of sorts. Lucian pointed to the bed and Crowley sat down. Lucian lifted the chain and fastened it with a padlock to a ring on the wall before murmuring something in Latin at it.

“Did you just bless the padlock?” Crowley enquired. Lucian gave a half shrug. “You don't look like a priest.”

Lucian shrugged again. “Bet I don't look like I turn into a bloody big werewolf either.”

It was Crowley's turn to shrug. “Fair point.” He stuck out his forked tongue. “This is your room.”

“I didn't want to deprive anyone else of their bed and we're not exactly set up for guests.” Lucian looked over at him. “Best I could do, under the circumstances.” He cast an eye around the room before moving a few weapons he judged Crowley could perhaps reach. “I've got to go out for a few hours but I promise I'll try to figure out something to do with you.” He turned and left the room.

Crowley heard the door lock behind him and wriggled about getting comfy on the bed. He could wait.

\--- 

Crowley was sprawled across the bed when Lucian returned looking a bit worse for wear. He was bloody and his clothes were a mess. He paused in the doorway to whisper something to the lycan beside him before turning a slightly disappointed face to Crowley. “Gotta admit, I was kinda hoping you would have escaped.”

Crowley smirked. “And miss all the fun?”

Lucian pulled off his coat and shirt in one wriggle. His torso was covered in blood trails that seemed to appear from nowhere. Only one was still oozing from a wound. Lucian gave a snarl and Crowley watched as his features contorted. He was so distracted by the appearance of the fangs, he almost missed the moment the bullet popped out of his shoulder to fall to the floor with a chink. Lucian gave a shake and his features changed back as the wound closed. He smiled. “That's better.” He pulled open a door on the far side of the room and disappeared inside. Seconds later, Crowley heard a shower running.

Lucian returned a short while later wearing a clean pair of black jeans, wet hair dripping onto his bare chest and back. He ignored Crowley eyeballing him and sat down at a small table, clicking on a spot light before he began to take apart, clean and reassemble his guns.

A knock at the door distracted him as he was finishing up. He crossed the room and opened the door. Raze was holding out two Starbucks cups. “You good boss?” He looked over Lucian's shoulder at Crowley who put on his best innocent smile and waggled his fingers in a wave.

Lucian took the cups. “Yeah man. All good.” He smiled. “Go on and get some rest now.” Raze nodded and turned away. Lucian turned back into the room and kicked the door shut with his foot, holding one of the cups out to Crowley.

Crowley took a sip of the coffee and smiled. “Well, room service may be slow, but it gets the job done.” Lucian chuckled and went back over to the desk.

\--- 

Lucian had be staring at a mountain of papers for several hours. Flitting between books and maps and Crowley couldn't tell what the rest of it was, when with an enraged snarl, he swept all of it onto the floor then thunked his head down on the desk with a groan.

“Something wrong?” Crowley asked with a hint of amusement in his voice. Lucian didn't reply, just raised his head long enough to glare at him before letting it thunk down again. “Maybe you should take a nap?” Crowley suggested.

Lucian looked up again. “Can't. There's a demon in my bed.”

Crowley tutted. “Well, you did kinda put him there.”

Lucian huffed. “I'm trying to butter him up so that he won't kill me when I let him go.”

Crowley laughed. “I told you. I don't kill people.”

Lucian considered. “Even when they kidnap you and chain you up?”

Crowley shrugged. “Not when it was an accident.”

“You're not a very good demon are you?” Lucian smirked.

Crowley grinned. “Fuck, no! Quite awful really. M25. That was my masterwork.”

Lucian made a face. “That's pretty evil.” He got up from his desk and crossed over to the bed, sitting down beside Crowley's sprawl. He looked over at Crowley's hand that was resting on the bed between them and then suddenly narrowed his eyes. “Hang on a minute.” He reached out and snagged the chain, lifting it up which in turn raised Crowley's hand off the bed. Carefully, he reached out his other hand and took Crowley's turning it over and back, staring at his wrist. “This is healing.” He reached out and poked at the red mark around Crowley's wrist that wasn't as inflamed as it had been.

“Oops!” Crowley grinned and with a snap the cuffs fell off. Lucian scrambled off the bed and stumbled backwards until he brought up against the door.

“You could get out of those at any time?” Lucian frowned.

“No.” Crowley shook his head sitting up on the bed. “After your first visit, a friend came to rescue me. I asked him not to, but got him to change the cuffs so they wouldn't burn.”

Lucian gaped at him. “What?” He gasped followed by a more imploring comment. “Why?”

Crowley shrugged. “Been a bit bored lately. Plus, you're cute.”

Lucian made what Crowley thought was just the most adorable perplexed face he had ever seen and then blinked at him in confusion. He opened his mouth, frowned, closed it again then slapped his hand over his face. “What even is my life?” He mumbled.

Crowley slithered off the bed and came to stand in front of him. He pulled Lucian's hand from his face and held it lightly. “See. Not killing you.” Then he leaned in and kissed him.

Lucian made a surprised 'mmmph' noise as he was knocked back against the door, but his hands soon came up to wrap around Crowley's neck and then he was kissing back enthusiastically.

Crowley slid a hand down his thigh to the back of his knee and pulled, lifting Lucian into his arms before turning and walking back over to the bed. He dropped his knees to the mattress and then slowly leaned forwards until Lucian too was dropped to the mattress, Crowley above him.

Crowley ran his hand down the bare skin of Lucian's side loving the way he shivered. “Seriously?” Lucian asked incredulous when Crowley finally parted their lips.

“Up to you.” Crowley shrugged looking down at him.

Lucian glanced down to where Crowley's groin was now pressing into his own, then back up to the golden eyes. “Yeah.” He groaned as Crowley pressed down harder with his hips grinding a little. “Yeah, why not.”

**Author's Note:**

> You thought I was going to write the smut didn't you?
> 
> Ah ha ha ha ha, No! Not this time ;)


End file.
